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I am just gonna go out on a limb here and say of all the people you NEVER want to fuck over, you should put writers at the top of that list. They are the one people who actually have voices that get heard. And a writer is like an elephant (in more ways than one) because we remember. Hell, even our own downfalls make great stories, so nothing is safe or sacred. With that out-of-the-way, I decided it was time to tell you all a story that will melt your fucking faces. You know my true stories are always pretty twisted, and I stand behind them all 100%, with this example having been shared with some close friends after it happened, so anyone who may doubt its authenticity, I have references. Hell, SHE openly admitted it to people after it happened, like she fed off it. While most people can say they consider an ex or two evil, you ever walked in on one of yours in a pitch black room, naked and pale, trying to feed ham to a creature she was referring to as “the master?” Yeah, didn’t think so, but I do. Also, note, no names will be dropped, so legally, my ass is covered. But man, this will go up hers sideways.
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I think this is the guy she was secretly seeing behind my back.
So relationship starts out normal, girl seems sweet, is easy on the eyes, has a good sense of humor, and likes to cook. Cool. There were key moments when I saw hints of something much darker, but if you just judged on the surface, you would think this girl just walked out of church on Sunday. Put it this way, I had definitely dated WAY darker girls before her who, if any of them had done this particular thing, it would not have been as creepy or insane. Suicide Girls and such, that kinda weird, kinky shit seems normal in those relationships. But when a quiet, somewhat normal (on the surface) girl does something this seemingly evil in nature, it throws you the fuck back out of your seat. Wait, in typical Remy fashion, I am getting ahead of myself. Getting ahead of myself in this article is ironic cuz “getting a head” rarely happened while I was actually with her. Ouch. Trust me, it’s only gonna get better and better from here.
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Sorry ladies, but there is some real truth to this. Plus, a lady said it, so hate your own self, not me.
So anyway, I break my cardinal lifelong rule and move in with this girl after dating a while. It’s all well and good at first despite the apartment being a little haunted (hell, me and the dude who lives downstairs just saw a fucking laundry basket fly across a room by itself yesterday, and ask my friend Emily about her first visit here), but even then, it all feels fairly harmless. Now me and the ex kept quite different schedules. I would do a great deal of my work and writing in my (home) office late at night. She would go to bed pretty early. The way the apartment is set up, the first room is the bedroom, next to that is my office, and next to that is the office she insisted on having (even though she did no work in there ever). Often times, I would see her get up, grab a drink, go to the bathroom, and go back to sleep. Seeing her get up and traipse around was never odd. Until one night, that is. A night I will genuinely never forget.
So it is roughly three a.m’ish, and I am sitting at my desk. I usually would watch one movie a night after finishing my work, and more often than not as most of you know, it would be horror. So as it is, I am kinda tweaked out in a new place that has already had some weird shit happen. I suddenly see through the darkness outside my office the shape of my naked girlfriend, heading into the kitchen. At this point, I assumed she was getting water. She wasn’t.
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Would YOU wanna poke that on the shoulder and ask it wtf it is doing? I doubt it….
I call out to her and she says nothing. I just see her shuffling in the kitchen doing something. I am already getting a little nervous, and have no idea why. She comes from the blackness of the kitchen and walks past my room, holding something in her hand. The only way I can explain the way she was walking and moving is it was like she was sleep walking, but someone else was driving. I call to her again as she walks past my office, pale and nude in the dark, and I hear her open the door to her office (which she NEVER used) and then shut it behind her. Listen, no matter WHAT you think, this is EXACTLY as scary as it sounds. I am thinking this chick just snapped, has a knife, is waiting in the dark for me. Yes, I watch too much horror, and this moment was as close to a horror movie moment coming real as the many other I have experienced. I took a breath, and decided the only thing I could do was walk over to her office to see what the fuck was up. I want you to know part of me didn’t want to. Honestly. I knew no good was coming out of it. I just knew it.
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The best part is knowing she will read this and it will make her witch blood boil.
I walk over to the door of her office and knock, whispering her name again. Nothing. I am literally scared as I push open the door slowly. The light is off in the room, and she is standing, naked, semi-crouched, facing into the corner, holding her hand out. I was fucking freaked out completely. I could hear her whispering, and could see the faint outline of something hanging from her hands. My heart was ramming inside my chest as I approached her. I genuinely kept having these visions of her turning around last-minute and just screeching with solid black eyes as she drove a knife into my gut. I know, too much horror, we’ve covered that.
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The female of the species are almost ALWAYS more deadly than the male.
I finally worked my way to her, slowly putting my hand on her shoulder and saying her name in the same soothing tone you would use to talk a special-needs serial killer out of murdering and eating you. “What are you doing, hun?” She turns around, and I realize she is holding slices of ham, loose pieces falling to the floor. “ I need to give meat to the master...” she said to me, looking at my with empty eyes and a grin I will never forget. Keep in mind, this girl NEVER watched horror, was not into it, and hadn’t fucked with me or pranked me before. This was not some YouTube stunt or some shit. I saw her eyes, I heard her vacant voice, and above all that, “The Master?” Sorry, but that is some straight-up Satan shit. I was shaken up but refused to show it. I just put my arm around her, grabbed her devil ham, and was like, you have no idea what you’re doing, you need to go back to bed, where I swiftly walked her. She said nothing and just laid down, her back to me just like it was in the room. Keep in mind, no sleep walking before that and none after, which made it all even weirder. Truth is, the movies Lovely Molly and Honeymoon both nail the whole scenario and relationship, to be honest. That is where most of these photos are from. The fucked up part is, she saw neither movie. I had context for this, she didn’t (which also made it even more insane to me).
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This photo? Yes, it was just like this, only she was the only one who could see the master.
The next day, nothing. She had no recollection of it, and almost seemed to be trying to hide a grin when she heard about it. It was very unsettling to me, and why the fuck I didn’t tell her to move out the next day is beyond my own comprehension, for a bigger and brighter red flag no woman hath ever waved so blatantly in a man’s face. But also, understand, I am old-school. I always heard if your woman was possessed by Satan, it is really shitty to just bail on her. In hindsight, I shoulda tossed her evil ass off the deck myself. So how does the story end? Well, she gradually lost her mind more and more, was heavily medicated, and ended up walking out one day with no explanation. I think the Master called or something. All good, she was dead weight, with “dead” being the key word. Glad my foot broke free from that shackle before it pulled me under with it. Fuck that noise. She can have her Master, and he can have his ham and her. I’m good. Game over, pretty sure I win.
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If you dig weird shit like this, you should come over here and become a REMlin. We can sit by the hypothetical campfire and share our ex horror stories together.
The post That Time My Evil Ex Tried To Feed Ham To Satan While Naked at 3.a.m. appeared first on Remy Carreiro.