It stirs inside you, like restless wind looking for an open window to moan itself through. You are pacing, unable to sleep and uninterested in eating. Things are quiet, but not the good kind of quiet. More like the kind of quiet the only gets broken by the shrill scream of something in bitter anguish. The kind of silence that only gets broken by a gunshot or a sound you wish you could erase from your mind. In the air, a hint of electricity hangs like wet cloth. You don’t need to see the sky to know it’s so gray even black would envy its hue. Someone’s going to die. Someone is going to get raped. Someone is going to kill themselves. There is a tragedy dressed as one of us, and she is among us, walking, hidden. She is quietude, and she seems docile, but were you to pull her rags off, the beast revealed would bubble burning vomit up to the bottom of your throat. It would cause you to heave up your insides like poison. She is death. She is tragedy. She is the storm looming on the horizon that no one can see but you. And warning others matters little, as none will understand. There is a storm coming, and it is going to swallow everything in its wake.
Let’s none of us pretend we do not know the above feeling, for we all do. Some of us better than others. I have had friends attempt to describe it to me, though they struggle to find the words. “You know Rem, when you feel like something REALLY bad is about to happen?” Yes, I know that feeling well. Her and I are good friends. And to anyone who wonders why I have feminized that feeling, I tend to feminize anything that fucks me. Pardon if that steps on any toes. Honesty does that to people from to time to time. You don’t want an honest piece about the worst feeling in the world when you know something awful is about to happen, go take a fucking quiz on Buzzfeed. I don’t want you here. This is for the people who know. Not the fucking tourists who live semi-charmed lives. I don’t understand you people, and want nothing to do with you, to be honest. No, this is for my REMlins. These are the people who have proven to me in comments and here and here that they actually have souls and feelings and suffer. That is who I speak to and for.
We know that feeling, and it is heavy and sickening.
But the worst thing about it is the helplessness. You can wave your arms and warn people and say “something bad is about to happen” and tell people you love them and be aware and be careful, but all that will come out of that is people looking at you like you are crazy. Instead, we have to live with it, in our guts, like worms. It is as if you were in a tower 2,000 feet off the ground, and could see a tornado barreling for your hometown, but they didn’t give you a siren or a phone. They just kind of gave you to power to find out the storm is coming, but gave you no means to do anything about it. That is the best way I can describe the feeling. You see the storm for miles, and you know you will end up buried in its gut. But there is nothing you can do.
Nothing you can do but wait….
The post Worst Thing Ever: That Feeling When You Know a Storm is Coming…. appeared first on Remy Carreiro.