Let me start this by saying I am not a conspiracy theorist, nor am I am survivalist. I don’t fuck around with guns, and I keep my water stored one gallon at a time. BUT, I am also pretty confident that I can lean into the wind and tell you when I smell shit coming. And right now, I smell shit coming. So in thinking that, this was written. Relax people who think I am implying you will all be gang raped tomorrow by droogs. Such is not the case. BUT, it is still good to know your role when the shit hits the fan. Think of this piece as how-to assess your survival rate once said shit actually shows up. Okay, we ready? Let’s just all admit to ourselves that the end of the world is rolling towards us right now like a giant ball of feces some drunken dung beetle started rolling years ago but slowly lost track of. We can all admit we don’t WANT the apocalypse to come, and we can all that do “yeah, but 500 years from NOW” that so many of us like to spout out make ourselves feel better. But come on, California is running out of water and an extinction level event has officially been announced. Yes, we are dying. Earth justifiably hates us for raping it for years. But there is something anyone who watches TV or reads books knows. Before the end times comes the REALLY NASTY TIMES. That small widow when dudes are robbing and raping and pillaging. Like modern viking times, only with way less emphasis on the actual viking. So what is your role in the apocalypse? I know it sounds insane, but wherever you live, most likely pockets of survivors will group off, and if you have no worth, safe to say the cannibals will be eating your grilled ass meat first. This wont be the last time I say this to you: do not be that guy (or girl)!
Know Your Role or Shut Your Mouth
But Remy, they’ll say. How are we supposed to know our end of the world role? Easy. What is your role right now? That is basically your end of the world role. I am incredibly lucky, because I am both a writer and a storyteller. This means, I can be the one who takes the notes and writes the books for future generations on “how it all went down.” I am needed and necessary or else what we lived through becomes another dark ages. No one knows. And my ability to entertain is also highly sought out. Think about it. It is the end of the day, and everyone is exhausted from going around and getting supplies and fighting dudes who movies have led me to believe will be wearing leather vests and goalie masks. I then ask everyone to gather around the fire I built, and I tell this story. The story is such a distraction that you all forget how shitty your day was and go off to bed for the night smiling. Phew, I have some worth.
I also can play music, create art in all mediums, and am a damn fine strategist and mentalist. In other words, I genuinely think I would be an alpha or architect. This is not cocky talk. You are reading my site right now. I obviously have some pull. And finally, outside of that, I would have no issue enforcing rules or sticking a rusty fork into the skull of someone who was trying to hurt someone I love. I also worked in group therapy and grief counseling (which will be HUGE when everyone is getting pillaged and raped and shit), and spent many years being put in life or death scenarios because of the work I did. All of that puts me at high stock in the apocalypse. Plus, add some acoustic guitar to that and you have the ability to lead and SOOTHE. I am not even worried about the end of the world to be honest. I have high “apocalypse” worth. Like Doof, seen below.
Finding One’s Role
So now, it’s just a matter of you taking stock and asking yourself some basic questions. The following questions can help you figure out where you stand when the end of the comes swinging like some drunken frat boy out of nowhere.
1) What do you do for work, and how would it apply to end of the world scenarios?
2) What skill set do you have outside of work that could apply to crappy apocalypse life?
3) How well do you gel with others, and can you take orders without being an asshole?
4) If you can’t, can you give orders without sounding like an asshole?
5) How good are you in crisis scenarios?
Answer most of those questions honestly to yourself and you have a solid idea of your role in the apocalypse (or at least an idea of how long you wouldn’t last). But we have another issue about the apocalypse that sucks ass….
The Women Have It Worst (But I Wanna Help!)
Some fratty shitheads will probably want some woman as “breeders”. Listen, I know that is patriarchal bullshit and I am not cool with it, either. But one has to understand this false apocalypse I making up in my head based completely off of Mad Max films is ugly and brings out the worst in people. There are some people who will look at females as carriers for a future generation. Thing is, any woman who would be in that role should only be in that role if she so chooses.
BUT, what this means, ladies, is getting some sick apocalypse skills right the fuck now. I promise in my rad group of survivors that will be no breeders. Only babies born from love or from a consensual sexual relations. But let me tell you, Drooling Mad Jebidiah (who I just made up but am pretty sure is the scariest guy ever) will have no problem keeping women caged and preggo. So, get good with knives and shit like Rachel McAdams from this Season of True Detective. She is a beast. A beautiful and remarkable beast, and one no one would fuck with or impregnate without her assistance and approval. Become that if thy must. Anything to avoid the fucking breeder title. If your apocalypse nickname has the word “Stabby” in it, you are safe.
I want her, but I know how stabbed I will be, therefore I don’t. See the logic?
Fucking start learning how to set up infrastructure. Master some ill skill set so when the psychos want breeders, you can either stab them in the eye sockets or show them that you have far more worth than them and knocking you up would put a very key member of the team out of commission. Nah, just be ready to stab them. Don’t try to reason with boys who think with their dicks. Plus, why breed in a broken world? Who wants to bring kids into a world awash in death and loss? Guys that want breeders are just pervs who we kill off early. Sound good?
Good.
So all the breeder stuff aside, seriously figure out your role, be you male or female. If you know you can do nothing but play video games, might be a good time to teach yourself some archery or street fighting. You don’t mince well with group dynamics? Maybe you should learn how to garden pretty quickly, because the antisocial people who have no skills and no place are the ones who get killed and eaten first. Don’t be that person. Don’t be killed or eaten first.
The following was a public service announcement from Remy Carreiro.
And to anyone how has not done so yet, please come over here, hit LIKE, and become a REMlin. I frankly do a lot more shit over there than I do here (and can link you to other stuff I write for other sites as well).
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